February 21, 2010

Self-improvement Question…?

Yes, I’m reposting this so I can explain things a little better and hopefully get more pointed advice…
I am dating someone that is very kind, affectionate and mature (28 years old, I’m 24). A bit unromantic and a bit of a loner at times, but we have a great time together. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months now and things have been pretty stressful in his life so we’ve had a few “tense” moments (no fights or arguments or anything like that). I am looking for advice on how to emotionally cope with the fact he has a “baby mama.”
One night stand, almost 2 years ago. The woman had slept with 3 guys (him and 2 of his friends) within a week. So, there was a question of paternity. It has been established and he’s stepped up and taken full responsibility. Which is very admirable, in my opinion. She has continued to lead the lifestyle she had before the baby and I try not to think about it or share my opinion on it. Before we started dating he would take her to dinner once every month or so to chat and see what was going on in her life and talk about their son. Since we’ve been dating he hasn’t taken her to dinner (not sure if its me or work stress that has prevented it, but I’ve never asked or even hinted he shouldn’t do it). It is hard for me sometimes when I think, “huh…they made a BABY together. That’s a big deal!” and then sometimes when they are doing trade offs and what not there is always that unknown “I don’t know what they’re like together” feeling I get. I know its a stupid, paranoid girly thing to feel, but its there nonetheless.
In the beginning he said that if we were dating for a while I would meet her and I think that would ultimately make me more comfortable with things. He’s also said there is no chance there’d ever be more between them due to her past and her lifestyle. I truly believe he wants to know her because she is raising his son 1/2 the time, nothing malicious or devious. In the meantime, however, any suggestions on how to be more comfortable with myself knowing he has to talk to her and see her pretty much every day when I am not around?
I have talked to him about this VERY briefly in a lighthearted, btw, kind of manner. I don’t want him to think this is a HUGE deal to me and would probably get defensive and upset, “What do you want me to do? She’s the mother of my child! I have to talk to her. I don’t have a choice.” But that’s not my point at all…I am not saying he SHOULDN’T talk with her, in fact I think its a good idea. I am merely looking for advice on self-improvement so that I can become more comfortable with the situation as it stands.
Oh, and his son is only an infant and I am a full time nanny to infants. So, helping care for the little guy comes pretty natural and I definitely don’t mind having him around. With that being said I am NO WHERE NEAR motherhood and would never dream of inserting myself as the mother figure in this child’s life.
Women: ever been in a similar situation? How did you cope?
Men: What would you tell your girlfriend if she was having these concerns?

Comments on Self-improvement Question…?

February 22, 2010

ld12o1 @ 3:20 am

To answer your first question of how to be more comfortable, you have to remember that they conceived the child by way of a one night stand…which also followed her sleeping with his friends. Not to mention the paternity test that came after. Does that sound like love to you? lol I mean, despite if they get along well as friends, it’s hard to imagine any guy that would want any kind of relationship with this woman.
The first thing that comes to mind with a woman like that (by the way you describe her) is STDs. She may be a good person at heart but being so cavalier with your sexual life doesn’t seem like someone you want a lifelong bond with if it wasn’t forced. Unfortunately for him it was. You shouldn’t worry yourself with thoughts of “they had a BABY together.” They didn’t have a baby together, they had sex, and unfortunately, a baby was a result of the mistake. It wasn’t like a consensual decision in which they had a relationship and they didn’t work out. It was a stupid mistake that i’m sure he regrets.
It is very admirable that he’s taking care of the baby which he should. But he cares about you now, and if he could do all again, i’m sure somewhere down the line, he’d want to have a baby with someone like you whom he shares a good connection with.
To answer your question directed for men, I would tell my girlfriend to not judge me by my mistakes. Yes, I slept with that girl but I didn’t want to have a baby. I’m paying for my mistake already but I refuse to let that baby suffer because of it. You have absolutely nothing to worry about with that other girl because of how bad I wish I could have that night back. You know the kind of life she lives, and that is nothing I or my baby to be around. I know you don’t want to be a mother, just like I didn’t want to be a father but i’m glad to have someone like you in my baby’s life to be a positive influence. If you want to leave me because of the situation, I understand because I just want you to be happy. But just know that, you are the person who I want to spend my time with. The person I want to grow together with. I can hardly have dinner with that other woman once a month. But with you, I love you.